I don’t always wear a packer, because the one I have isn’t too comfortable, and well, I don’t always feel like wearing it. But I decided to buy a new one anyway. (A BIGGER ONE.) I know there are a few UK sites, but I got this one from America. It was really cheap, $14. But the P&P came to more than double that, at $30. I reluctantly paid, and I’m going to collect it from the Post Office tomorrow. Obviously, I regret not buying from a UK vendor. What drove me to do so was two tasty options I was faced with when picking a packer; ‘vanilla or chocolate’.

For most, it’s obvious what option to choose, without a doubt. If you’re white, you’re ‘vanilla’. If you’re black, you’re ‘chocolate’.  Sure, you can be shades in between, there are different skin tones, but it’ll be close enough. I’m neither of those. And both options are far from close enough. I searched and searched and couldn’t find any intermediate shades. So that is what led me to paying almost £30 for an American packer, which was aptly called ‘caramel’. It’s still not quite the tone for South Asian skin, as it’s obvious it’s on the market for Hispanic people. This expensive yet boring experience brought something to my attention; why does everyone assume people who browse the sex toy market exist only in vanilla and chocolate?

It wasn’t just packers I found the problem with, it was sex toys too. Flesh-coloured silicone delights, just weren’t what they described for me. It just puts you off the sex experience. Looking between your legs to see a wonderful, rock hard cock, so proud, but talk about an alien looking member. Between tensed sweaty brown thighs, protrudes a huge pasty erection, and you just can’t help but laugh. And the realism disappears.

My point is, when people picture someone who is LGB or T, they picture someone white. Especially T; they picture someone white. Maybe black sometimes. LGBT people need their vanilla and chocolate cocks. But hardly caramel and never mocha (I made that up myself, but I think that’s an appropriate, yummy colour). South Asian LGBT people are invisible. Being brown and gay is still a novelty. When a white person starts talking to me, and it’s obvious that I’m not straight, they often seem intrigued by my experiences, wanting to know if I’m ‘out’ to my parents, if family at home are okay with it. Because they assume that being from a Muslim Pakistani family means that parents disown their children for being anything but straight. Which sometimes happens, sure. But it also happens in the white community too. It’s just the brown population who are demonised for their intolerance or bigotry.

I’ve had a few experiences being out on the gay scene in a different cities, where Indian/Pakistani gayboys have started talking to me, and we’ve gotten so excited that we’ve found someone else Asian and gay – that we have this in common as well as being LGBT. It’s like we understand each other so much more than just belonging to a racial minority, or just a sexual minority. They all called me their “gaysian” (gay + Asian = gaysian), how sweet. This was when I was gay, they saw me as a lesbian, but more importantly, they saw me as support. But it made me realise something; not only do white people not think brown people are LGBT – other brown people don’t either!

Being a part of two minorities, it’s rare, but that’s why it’s even more important to bring it to attention. That’s how we got to gender expression in the first place; documentation and recognition. You’d think in this modern diverse world that racial awareness would be easier than that. If brown people don’t think other brown people are LGBT, if you feel like no one else is the same as you, that’s extremely alienating and lonely. You have no support, no role models, no proof that being LGBT and South Asian is okay. Brown people are trans too, and need just as much support, even more in fact, for this very reason. How can I talk about being Asian and trans if I feel like no one else is? Am I the only one? How can I feel comfortable about my body if my cock is white? How can I feel like it’s the body I really should have?

I’ve only come across one Asian-specific LGBT and Q support group in the UK (Imaan), and they are there for Muslims all over the world even though they are London based. I’m not particularly religious but this really gives me a connection. Just to know that there are other people out there, who have grown up in the same culture, who have parents from the same generation as my parents, who have lived their life in Pakistan and understand what it really means to be South Asian. There are many support groups who are black and ethnic minority, but they are predominantly black. And the brown members are so silent. It makes me think they’re ashamed or don’t even recognise that it’s important to embrace everything you have.

I’m not really sure how to end this post. It’s not something I can really stop talking about, bring everything together and conclude nicely, because there are so many issues I want to delve into and extend. I will, in time, it’s pretty hard to shut me up anyway.

It’s amateur, but hopefully I’ll explain what I mean in future posts, about what culture means to me.