This is the first Ramadan without dad. A Ramadan without looking after anyone else. The challenge this Ramadan will be looking after myself. It’s already been a challenge with the COVID-19 pandemic to be honest… Every week I struggle in a new way but that’s told me something new I need and has reminded me of the needs I’ve forgotten. My rituals, routines and relationships have all changed and during the month of Ramadan they will change again. I take a breath and whisper to myself that the only constant is change.

The learnings from my circumstances under pandemic I take through the holy month. I let go of goals, achievements, success, productivity. There is no before or after – I don’t think it really exists, it’s another damaging binary we create and encourage, as if there is one normal, one desirable, one better than the other. And we’re moving from before towards an after. But really we are all just moving and moving.

I resist the distractions that distance myself from others, endless scrolling, algorithms that reveal my insecurities, ‘discover’ pages that amplify them. I practice vulnerability through distorted video calls, to voices over phone lines, and describe to friends how our hands will embrace each other eventually, laughing and longing. It’s okay that it isn’t enough. It’s okay that it doesn’t feel fair. I am being tested on my faith in others and my faith in Allah. But I have always been faced with tests from others and from Allah. I have always survived. I hold onto niyyah, intention, when I physically can’t take action to be together, pray together, eat together, grieve together…  When it feels like our intentions are all we have, it is still be powerful. Hold onto our intentions, inshallah they matter all the same.

I end with a reminder that Ramadan should not be hard. It should not push us past our limits or hurt us, emotionally, financially, physically or mentally. There are different ways we can observe fast beyond abstaining from food and water, by thinking about the different meanings of consumption, how capitalism feeds us and how we starve the earth. I can recognise and remove all distractions that stand in the way of my relationship with myself, others and ultimately my relationship with Allah. Compromise will not be easy but this month will not be hard. Ramadan is not a punishment, nor is it a time to punish myself. In whatever way we observe the month, we are all rewarded inshallah.

Ramadan Mubarak.

Find Ramadan resources on my previous post here

And Inclusive Mosque Initiative on inclusive Ramadan practice in quarantine