I’m finding it really hard to keep myself together right now. This is evident with how much I have neglected not only my university work, but also my blog; something that has become so important to me so quickly. I don’t know how I ever managed to let that therapeutic routine go so fast.
I know that in a previous post I said I had chosen a new name. It’s part of the process isn’t it, after you realise you’re not comfortable enough as you are, and you’re ready to do something about it, the next few stages relate to how you want others to identify you. For most, the most important part is changing pronouns, and this usually goes hand-in-hand with a change of name to suit. I know that in that previous post I also said that I was terrified. For most, changing their name is becoming the person they really are, finally feeling themselves.
I still feel terrified.
Changing my name to the one I have picked, I feel like I would just be this, this dude, who isn’t me at all, in any way. I can’t get used to it. And I don’t think anyone else can. Because he just isn’t me. I’m me. And I’m still he. The pronoun switchover has been so liberating, and so easy. But knowing that the next step after changing pronouns is a name change… It’s just made me so anxious. I really feel like I’d be losing a part of myself in this process to become myself. It’s been really hard to admit. To the people who are aware of my transition but most of all to myself. Why though? Because I don’t think I’m trans enough. I don’t think I’d be trans enough if I kept the name I was born with. I don’t think I’d be trans enough if I change my forename to a male one. I don’t think others would think I’d be trans enough if I stayed as the person they always knew.
I realised I had worked myself up so much over changing my first name, and choosing one in the first place, because that’s just what happens. It’s a part of the transition. And no one will take your transition seriously if you’re still going by the name you were born with. Where did I get this idea from? Probably every trans person I’ve come across. Through websites, TV, friends of friends, everyone has that milestone of their name change. And then I read about the medical process of transitioning, including that all important ‘real-life experience’, or ‘RLE’, demonstration to prove how trans enough you really are. I wondered how a doctor, who has just met you, is supposed to know whether you are really living as the opposite gender, and how long for. RLE follows the gender dysphoria diagnosis, and is an essential criteria for any hormone therapy and sex reassignment surgery. After a lot of web-browsing, it seemed that documentation of your new, legal, gender-appropriate name was proof enough of when your RLE began. And if you hadn’t done so, then the doctor would suggest you do this to begin your RLE. In some leaflets online, the process describes name-change as a step that will happen as a vital part of completing gender reassignment. It’s part of the process isn’t it.
This weekend I was going to make that facebook/e-mail switchover and announce to my friends that I’m transitioning; my name is [new boy name] and I am a him.
This weekend I deleted that facebook/e-mail account and didn’t tell anyone my new boy name, but that I am a him.
This weekend I realised that I was not changing my name for myself; I was changing it for my transition. There is no such thing as being ‘trans enough’. You are enough as you are.
Yesterday, after this weekend, I felt so much better.
I am taking the easy way out as the shortened version of my birth name is a male name in Scotland. So I guess I will join you in the ranks of not trans enough!
I actually go to court tomorrow to do this so your timing is impeccable. I will blog about the experience soon.
How exciting! Looking forward to reading about it.
Every step we take must be taken for ourselves, not for any one or any thing else. You can’t rush yourself and you should have to try. The “steps” of transition are just lines we draw in the sand to mark our progress, they aren’t set in stone. If your not ready for a name change, then your not ready and there is nothing wrong with that.
For myself, I unofficially changed my name shortly after I came out to my wife. I did it because I was ready, because it was the right thing for me to do and the right time to do it.
Honestly, I don’t care if people think I’m “trans enough”. They aren’t me and they ren’t living my life, I am. I have to do things at a pace that I am comfortable with and if that isn’t enough for “them” too bad, they can wait with the rest of the world until I’m good and ready.
“You are enough as you are” – such an important thing to remember. I don’t know what your name is, or where it is on the gender spectrum, but if you like your name, you should keep it. I didn’t change my name to be more male, I changed my name because my birth name was definitely NOT me. I was always Isaac, and changing it just made it official.
There are plenty of people nowadays with non-gender normative names, so it’s doable if you want to keep it. Or if it’s not a matter of keeping your name, but of not being quite ready, take your time! As you said, there’s no such thing as being “trans enough.” There’s no one right way to do this. Just do what makes you happy.
Good luck! Also, fantastic blog! I look forward to reading more :).
I’m keeping my name for the same reasons, it is me and always will be. Thanks for your comment.