I know it was last month, but as I said in a previous post – I’m catching up on myself. This is what the holiday is about, me and my blog. I’m back in London for the week, and since Christmas isn’t too big a deal with my family, I’ve got no other option than to focus on myself. So far, so good. Although it has just been one night.
Last month I decided to stop shaving my face. I think the last time I shaved was because I was seeing an old friend, who knew me before I went by ‘he’, and with whom I haven’t actually spoken about transitioning with. I assume they either saw some blog posts or heard through the grapevine. Either way, I guess I wasn’t feeling confident enough to be me. So I shaved. And remained androgynous. The ‘me’ that makes everyone happy. Except for myself.
That was sad, I know, but along with the issues about body hair I’ve always had, it was hard to embrace it still. Especially when I don’t shave and leave my hair, people do feel the urge to touch it, and I’ve always hated people touching my face for the very reason that it’s hairy. I don’t know if I’m glad it’s noticeable. I think I am. Saying that, I can’t even call it a ‘beard’. That’s something that’s going to be hard to embrace as well.
So I’ve let it grow, and it’s actually quite impressive for completely natural, pre-T growth. Taking into account the blasts of hot wax strips, hair removal cream and IPL my face has had, it’s quite well-rounded too. As much as it worried me to do so, I couldn’t help but feel a little proud, so I’ve been shaping it and basically making myself look much more attractive.
I’ve been feeling torn though. There’s a part of me which loves how obvious this hair is, and people can see me as a guy from a distance and close-up. I don’t get those double-takes, I don’t get puzzled looks from the elderly and Asian. The friends who I didn’t personally come out to know now, and for everyone around me, I think it’s easier to see me that way now. I guess this ‘beard’ makes me ‘pass’, but it’s never been about that for me. Because I don’t want to ‘pass’, I just want to feel like a guy. And I do. And that’s great. I feel handsome, I feel manly. So what is the other matter tearing me in half? Well one side of me blends in, I’m invisible, I’m just a man. And the other part of me stands out. I stick out like a sore hairy thumb amongst my female gay friends, and on lesbian nights. I guess I’m still getting used to this ‘man-ness’. I need to find the right balance. Standing out in the ways I want to stand out. Blending in when I feel comfortable to do so.
I might just get T-R-A-N-S printed across my knuckles.
Just kidding, I am only panicking.
I think it’s just that I’m expressing these parts of me which just feel like extensions of who I am. Like this hair on my face. Technically it was always a part of me. But for everyone else, those are parts that make up the whole of me. Like, that ‘beard’ makes me a man. I’m only a man because of the hair on my face. I’m only a man because I looking fucking hot in a shirt and tie. Does this make sense? It’s so baffling to me. I really am working myself up, but I feel like I’ve got to figure this out if I want to find the right balance with myself. I think I shouldn’t be having to get used to this ‘man-ness’ like I said before. I think I need to get used to this ‘trans-ness’. That’s what expressing these parts of me is about, that’s what I am.
Before I talk myself into getting that tattoo, I’ll finish off here.