Today I saw Dr Lorimer. What a great guy. I didn’t know what to anticipate, who to expect, but he definitely surpassed everything. Right from the get-go, he was friendly, approachable, and funny. Well, he tried to be. It wasn’t an appointment. It was a conversation.
I hadn’t really thought about the day, I remember sitting on the train from Victoria, heading to GenderCare, Fulham. I just felt numb. I knew I’d be talking a lot about myself. Nothing is going to be as awkward as talking to Dr. Y. I think I was feeling guarded, worried that I’ll be disappointed again, more hurdles, a longer wait. “I want this so bad,” I thought that morning. I was worried I’d leave with nothing, no answers. I know that was unlikely. This is it.
I left feeling elated. I just had my first appointment! (Well, technically speaking it was like, my 4th trans-related appointment, but you know what I mean.) We talked for just over an hour, and we went through a lot of different topics. But like I said, it just flowed, we chatted, and we joked. He understood me, the way I felt, and if he didn’t he’d ask. He shared his own experiences, and his own opinion, when I felt doubtful and scared about coming out to my family. He even said I could e-mail them and tell my family the doctor told me everyone should be using male pronouns for me now. I won’t but I’m going to e-mail them all now. It’s happening.
He asked me questions that took us through my upbringing, my background, my mental health, medical/surgical history, family, relationships…
What are your parents like?
How did it go when you told them? And with your sister?
Does everyone use male pronouns?
Are you studying, do you work? What about coming out to colleagues and clients?
What was your earliest memory of feeling like this?
Have you had any blood tests or hormone tests carried out before?
How are you with intimacy? Do you have any ‘body issues’?
Is there anyone else who identifies as LGBT in the family?
How was puberty for you? And school? Uniforms?
What do you want in the future? What surgery, hormone treatment…
These are just the questions he asked that I can remember, I’ve only jotted them down as a point of reference for anyone else wondering what the encounter will be like. Obviously talking about a lot of these things was hard and would be for anyone – having to delve into your past, and think about all these uncomfortable memories you wished you could erase. But Dr Lorimer was very empathic, he shook his head when I told him about what happened over the summer with my mum and the wedding. That moment was so important for me; it felt like someone had actually put themselves in my shoes because they want to help me. I guess a lot of people don’t receive much empathy in everyday life, as it’s a ‘lifestyle’ or a ‘choice you’ve made for yourself’. He gave me confidence.
It sounds like I idolise this guy! I really don’t, but he is fantastic. And that is a contradiction. I think, for the first time, I’ve felt like a part of this transition has been truly positive. And well, for the first time, felt like a step towards where I want to be. I feel like I’m transitioning now. I feel like it’s really begun.
So now the ball is rolling… Dr Lorimer said he’ll get the report written that night, e-mailed to me to double check, in case he missed anything out or misunderstood, or if I didn’t want my GP to know certain things. Then once it has my approval, he’ll send me and my GP a hard copy of it (within the week), along with details of what baseline blood tests and liver function tests to take before I can see Dr Seal, who is the endocrinologist at GenderCare. He’ll be able to talk to me about all the medical science pharmacological stuff to do with testosterone. And hopefully be able to write me a prescription there and then. Or ask my GP to do it, shared care and all that.
The ball certainly picked up speed… I think, it’s sinking in a little more. And I’m sweating. I think I’m excited.