Christ, I keep avoiding myself. Again I’ve left it days without posting anything. I think it’s incredibly obvious I’m still neglecting myself, probably because I’m still incredibly unhappy. Even though this post is called “Looking Forward”, I’m actually just catching up.
I wrote this on Friday 23rd November:
Tomorrow I’m transitioning. I say tomorrow because I’ve felt so stuck for months and months since I came out, I haven’t felt like I’ve transitioned at all. Tomorrow I’m seeing a gender specialist. I’ve seen my GP many times this year but ultimately she can’t do anything to help me. Tomorrow I’ll have answers. Answers I couldn’t get from anyone or anywhere. Today I am terrified.
My dad and sister came to see me on Sunday 18th November. It was after RTN Brighton and I was quite hungover. I had been meaning to go home for a while – that’s a lie, I have been avoiding it. But I was glad to see them, I got to show off my new flat, my first non-student house in Brighton, and we went for a roast together.
We got to talk about family gossip, and college. And then we got to talk about me. It felt like I was coming out again. But properly. The conversations we had in the summer were a distant exchange of words. I think this time, what I had to say, my feelings, actually sank in. And this time, I had an appointment, I had certainty, and they could see that. It’s happening.
I explained the process from now on – appointment with Dr Lorimer, blood tests and hormone screen with my GP, another appointment with Dr Seal, then a hormone prescription… And those are the only few steps between my dream now. I can’t believe it. It’s still all sinking in. I feel like I’m finally doing it, it’s actually happening.
And I can’t believe I’m still having to come out. It’s sad that it’s taken so long, but I didn’t really feel like I was the person I was coming out as. It felt like a lie. Sometimes, it still does. I hear a comment, “gorgeous boy” and I wonder, who’s that? It still feels alien to me, the person I see in the mirror. But this body also feels like it doesn’t belong. I wonder if I’ll ever feel comfortable… I’ve got a lot of change to prepare for that I won’t have felt before, I’m changing into someone I’ve never seen before…
I’ll end with some good news.
I told one of my clients on Wednesday 21st November, she’s a disabled lady I’ve been PA-ing for, for almost five months. I wasn’t nervous actually. I think I knew that for her, our relationship, is more than just work – we actually get on. We gossip, we joke, we confide. She knows me, and none of that is anything to do with my gender. She sees me for me. And that was apparent in her reaction, she seemed to just want the best for me, and was glad I was feeling confident enough to tell her. I told her that I hope it doesn’t compromise our working relationship, or that if she feels uncomfortable, she should let me know and we can talk about it. She instead asked me if I’ve ever seen The L Word. I think we’re going to be fine.