It doesn’t matter if I’ve lived with you, it doesn’t matter if I know you as a friend of a friend, it doesn’t even matter if we’re not in the same social groups anymore – friendships can get complicated. It doesn’t matter that you know me by Smash, or even if you know my real name, it doesn’t even matter that you might not even know my face.
The fact of the matter is that you’re reading this. And you’ve read my words, you’ve been open to my opinions, my feelings and my experiences. And most of all, you’ve been accepting.
I cannot express how much that means to me. I know not everyone has the courage to post a comment, or ‘like’ anything I’ve written, but I know you’re reading. You tell me when we’ve had a few drinks, when the awkwardness slips away. You tell me in a private message, or an e-mail. You tell me with your stats on WordPress. You tell me with every page view.
All I really want to say is: Thank you.
I haven’t ever been in a place like this before. It’s dark, so dark. And simple things, things that I like doing, have become the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Medicating myself with drugs and alcohol can only take me so far, I’ve pretty much given up on giving up; I know what’s to come. A vicious cycle, repeated ups and downs – “what ‘ups’?”, I ask myself. They are hardly ever present.
Honestly, why I feel like this is because I feel stuck. Trapped in this period of time. I know I won’t always feel like this, I know it’s temporary. …But how temporary? For how long? I’m beginning to get used to it. Hell, I was used to it months ago. Why? Because nothing’s happening. In a process like this, I don’t want to simplify it to just ‘the transition’, because it’s much more than that; it’s actually feeling comfortable with this body, and how people see me. It’s about getting to a stage where how I want to look in my head matches how I think I look in real life. Of course, self esteem and body dysmorphia will always hinder that. But even getting to a place where I can put that away. I have done in the past. I know I can in the future. But it’s like all the things I loathe about myself are screaming at me now.
Like I said, I haven’t been in a place like this before. I never thought I would.
But I am here. And I’m struggling, naturally.
So why am I saying ‘thank you’?
Because I feel supported. Even if it was an accidental Google for “what is chocolate and vanilla gay talk”, or “paki cock does vanilla”, or “why are Pakistanis so hairy” – you’ve still found my page, and you’ve taken the time to read me.
And yes those have been genuine search terms which have landed people on my blog. There are plenty more bizarre ones I won’t disclose as of yet.
It’s support, in my eyes. I can’t thank each of you personally enough. It’s incredibly emotional when I hear people going out of their way to tell me that they’ve read some of my experiences. I’m so grateful to have people like you reading this. And you know what? It does make the dark place seem that little bit brighter. I know not everyone can help me, and I know that it’s only me who can really help me, but it’s so nice, to know people actually listen.
I’m not really sure how to end this. It’s all been rather soppy. Fuck it, that’s how I feel. I’m soppy about you. So thank you, once again. I hope you’ll keep reading.