Disappeared under aqueous bullshit, pulled under by weeds of despair. Swamped. That’s where I’ve been. Still inundated, but I’m trying to drag myself out now. Blogging is buoyancy.
So much has happened. Most of it has happened inside of me. Tremendous invisible events, sending my heart racing, my brain spinning, and my emotions, well… Away. Far away.
The last milestone of my academic era was on Monday; an exam, followed by the hand-in of two essays. I don’t feel at all relaxed or relieved. The build-up has been full of dread, and sadly, I think this will follow me to results day in June. I did celebrate the end though. In fact, I have done almost every night this week. That will probably also follow me to results day.
There is pressure and stress about my performance, and what degree classification I will actually come out with. But this has all stemmed from the fact that I’m questioning this because my performance has not been up to par. Nothing has gone the way it should have gone. Does it ever? My performance has suffered because of the incredible anxiety and anguish I’ve been feeling for the past month because I’ve realised, it’s happening. It’s always been in my head, the thought of one day having the male contoured body I should have been born with, being allowed to look the boyish way I look because it fits with my gender, having the life that I want to have. Since I’ve made little changes, like binding, getting flatter, packing, binding with tape as well as a vest, getting even flatter, and telling my friends to use male pronouns, I’ve realised I can’t go back. Not even one little baby step back. I’ve become so used to it so fast, because it just fits.
But with the response from my mum and my dad, I’m scared that I’ll have to go back. They both said to me that once I’ve finished with final year and exams and got those stressors out of the way, we can talk about it properly. So finishing my degree has been a battle of rushing to get it over and celebrate, and being so apprehensive of the end of it all, knowing my transition is getting even more real, and coming out to my family.
And now those stressors are out of the way. We can talk about it properly.
It feels like there’s a tension between my mum and I, since she didn’t take the news so well initially. And now that I’ve finished, it’s like it’s the only possible thing on either of our minds. My dad is in Pakistan right now, and his main concern is that I’ve done my degree to a gold standard, with the best of my abilities. I don’t think either of them understand that I cannot just put my feelings to one side while I turn into a studious robot. Like them; focus on one issue per offspring at a time.
I think that’s an effective enough apology for my absence.
Next time, on Smash Brown, photoshoots, nationalities and weddings. And for a limited time only, comes with 100% less emotion!