There are so many things about this weekend and the conversations with my dad that have surprised me. I still can’t believe it.
- Dad is okay with it. HE’S OKAY WITH IT. OH GOD HE’S OKAY WITH IT.
- Nothing about the queer capital of England where I live came up. He always blames the way I look and the people I fuck, on where I live now. He sees the city as an influence, planting corrupt sexual seeds in my susceptible pure Pakistani brain. But he actually listened to what I had to say, as how I really feel, and understood it was me and no-one else, nothing else.
- Dad knew exactly what I meant by it, from the get-go; a sex change. I think I’ll show him a documentary or send him an article regarding the steps of sex reassignment. One that focuses on the physical transition. Instead of the tragic emotional one. I’m still not sure whether he’s aware of hormone therapy. Or whether he is prepared for me to physically look different and change. I guess he sees me as a bit of a boy as it is.
- Marriage. When he asked me about that, I realised that all he wants is happiness for me. And the way he sees it is traditional – a good education, a great paying-job, a house and a family. I have a lot of views of the politics and technicalities of the conventional definition of marriage. But he doesn’t need to know that yet.
- There is another complicated, more closer-to-my-heart point, taking into context my dad’s health with this whole marriage thing. I’m not ready to share that just yet though. It’s more about the milestones a parent witnesses in their kid’s life, during their own lifetime. And no one can deny that marriage, finding someone and starting a family is one of them.
- Financial support?! He really said that. And he really meant that. Wow. I am so lucky. I can’t believe he’s going to do that for me. It’s such a load off my mind. What with my mum telling me that I will be on my own…
- Transitioning fits in better with my dad’s rigid views of gender, rather than deviating from it. It’s not the best viewpoint to have but it works for him, and that in turn works for me. It’s better to born a girl and change to become a boy who likes girls, than a girl born a girl who likes girls. It makes more ‘sense’. Dad finds it easier to understand ‘the way I am’ from this perspective. He probably expects me to become this ultra-masculine alpha-male. As if. I’m too camp for such butch behaviour.
- I actually feel like my dad is proud of me, for once in my life. That thought brings tears to my eyes. I can’t explain what I really feel, it’s a new feeling, replacing the old feeling of not doing anything good enough, always doing something he won’t be happy with. A deep sigh. This is the point that really means the most, that really is the big one, out of all things I discovered this weekend. He’s going to be proud of me.